Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey, welcome back to Change, the awesome podcast. Where marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Here we are. We're reunited. Where have y' all been?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:07]:
Reunited. And it feels so good.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:10]:
I wish I could sing. I mean, I'm not saying you can, but I. You have the courage at least to do it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:15]:
No one has ever told me I could.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:17]:
You know how much I seriously, how much I would sing if I actually could.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:19]:
Because I. I really.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:20]:
Song lyrics all the time.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:21]:
You have a good memory.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:22]:
Yes, Yes. A horrible voice and rhythm.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:24]:
Where's your rhythm?
Kevin Thompson [00:00:25]:
None.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:25]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:26]:
I mean, does that really look at me?
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:28]:
I don't know. I was surprising. I suppose it was surprising to me that would want to sing.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:32]:
Yeah, I know, I know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:33]:
Based on.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:34]:
I think every preacher wants to be a singer and every singer wants to be a preacher. Really? Yeah. Because I think we get jealous of each other. So I look at. I create new, new material every single week. These jokers get up on stage and sing something somebody else wrote. Except our people write around. Write their own.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:46]:
But yeah. And then they're like, oh, my goodness, did you hear that song? I'm like, yeah, they like sung in a million times. Like that joke I'd never done before in my life.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:54]:
Right. But you do get to read the same book every week. That's true.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:57]:
That he's. He's. He's working Andrew Stanley's jokes now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:01]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:01]:
Have you noticed?
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:01]:
I like that one.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:02]:
Okay. This is the big deal, my friend. Adrienne. 100th episode. Here we are. Most podcasts never make it to here.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:09]:
Really?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:10]:
No. What's statistics? Like 10. Most podcasts go 10.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:13]:
10 and done.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:14]:
Yeah. Because I have a good idea. And then this is work. I don't know. I. I don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:18]:
This is leisure to me. This is fun.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:21]:
It's actually pushing past the.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:23]:
Which makes sense.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:24]:
The L. Well. And to grow it takes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:26]:
Well, and we've thought about that too, where it's just like we have something here. Marriage is forever. Like, you can keep working on your marriage here and the content is never ending. But if you have one idea, like let's do a podcast and you share your idea and it's over. It's out.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:42]:
It's out. What do you got? Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:43]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:44]:
That's why I always thought the very first book contract I got, it was a two book contract on marriage. And I thought that's so confusing to me because what they're basically saying is that first book don't tell us everything.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:54]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:54]:
Like, this is all I got. You know, and so, of course, now
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:57]:
look at you now.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:58]:
Now it continues.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:59]:
Books and books.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:59]:
Now Jenny's like, could you just take some time off?
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:02]:
We.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:02]:
We got back. I can't remember where we were. We were at. I spoke somewhere, and we get back in the car, and I think I'd done four or five sessions, and Jenny, you know, is diligently sitting there pretending like she's never heard any of this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:12]:
Right?
Kevin Thompson [00:02:12]:
And we get in the car, and the first thing she says to me is, words. So many words.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:22]:
So many words.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:23]:
That's exactly right. And. Because then she gets none on the drive home, because I say absolutely nothing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:28]:
You're not. You're done. You' only exhausted. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:30]:
As an introvert, I only have so many words.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:32]:
Would she chat? She enjoys the quiet, though, too.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:35]:
Oh, yeah. No, she's good with that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:36]:
So is that drive just quiet?
Kevin Thompson [00:02:39]:
Sometimes it can be. And. And she can get to work and. And those kind of things. It depends. Like, if we go on a drive, we will. We'll chat for a while, and then she'll get to work, and I'll listen to a podcast or something for an hour.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:52]:
Singing, or is it.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:53]:
No, no, no. I don't. So get this. This is sad. Y' all can judge me on this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:58]:
Well, we do.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:59]:
There's only one person I sing in front of, and that's Ella.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:02]:
Aw, that's sweet.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:04]:
So Ella's absolute favorite thing is to be in the car with me, and she's in charge of the playlist, and then we sing along. Matter of fact, it irritates her when Jenny's in the car, and Ella will say, you know, mom, if you weren't here right now, dad and I would be having a great time.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:21]:
I feel like you have a low baritone. Do you sing low?
Kevin Thompson [00:03:24]:
Oh, I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:25]:
You don't know?
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:26]:
Let's find out.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:27]:
I think. I think I sing in the same. In the same tone that I talk in. To be honest with you. There's no. There's no modulation.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:34]:
Country music or. What's the.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:36]:
A little bit all over the. Yeah, I. I prefer some old country, but Ella, you know, Ella will love the pop and the Adele. Adele's her favorite.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:42]:
Oh, you're singing Adele?
Kevin Thompson [00:03:43]:
Yes, A little. How about a little Pink?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:47]:
A little.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:47]:
Oh, yes. Little Lady Gaga as well.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:51]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:52]:
This is amazing. I used to sing. When Adrienne and I were dating, I used to sing to her on the phone. We did long distance. You'd sing me, Michael Buble and Colby Kalei, and Jason.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:03]:
Oh, I like it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:04:04]:
I've been away.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:06]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:07]:
Okay. Now that nobody's listening, 100th episode, we now have the same number of listeners that we have a number of episodes that would be. All right, so here's what we want to do. We just kind of want to have a reflective time of, what, a hundred episodes in. What are the ideas that are really sticking to you? What are you seeing and hearing from other people? What the questions are out there? I'm intrigued. Is there anything I keep on talking about that y' all are like, I don't understand why he cares about this so much because it's meant nothing to our marriage whatsoever. And then we can look. Maybe look a little bit forward to what lies ahead.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:43]:
So let's begin with this question. Blaine, we'll start with you and give Adrienne time to think through the critic of what their answer might be. If somebody were to say to you immediately, hey, Blaine, change the odds of podcast. And they're about to compliment something that they learned from this. What is it that you tend to hear the most?
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:01]:
I tend to hear the idea that we're talking about, like, the fights, talking about common things that they're not necessarily readily talking about or willing to talk about, but we make it okay to talk about it. And therefore, you know, when you talk about under the table to on top of the table, that sort of conversation. We've encouraged a lot of people to be able to address these things in a healthy way. My big, big, big takeaway, which we can talk about later, is this idea of secure attachment, which talked a lot about. But it's really neat to see people in the eye and say, hey, our marriage is a little bit better today because we've learned how to talk about it. Thank you for making it okay to talk about it, which I think is really encouraging.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:45]:
And haven't people told you, like, you're saying what I'm thinking?
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:48]:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. And that was when I started. We thought about coming on this thing and helping out and all these things. My big goal was, like, I want the guy who comes to church but doesn't resonate with too much of it to say, or the wife to say, hey, listen to this. Because there's someone that can resonate with you. And that's been cool to hear, like, you're saying the questions that I'm thinking, and I don't know if I'm allowed to think about them or say them if offends my wife and all these things. And so that's.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:16]:
Yeah, you're right. That's really cool.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:18]:
Yeah. No, that's great. So, Adrienne, what about. What about for you? I mean, is it that or is it something else? What do you hear? Women.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:24]:
I think that it's relatable is one. And then I remember someone said they really liked the episode with Barb.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:31]:
Oh, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:32]:
The one I wasn't on.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:33]:
Yeah, yeah, I wasn't going to say that.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:35]:
But no question, Barb's great.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:37]:
Yeah. And just like the sex topic, I think is something maybe couples don't talk about or they don't know, like, how much is good. And just to normalize that in your marriage.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:48]:
And Barb does such a good job of normalizing a healthy conversation around it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:53]:
There's.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:53]:
There's still a post. I mean, I. I saw this morning. People are still coming on it. And the comments are crazy, by the way. But, I mean, it's not our most viral clip at all, but it's one. It's gone. It's 300,000, I think, is what it is.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:06]:
And it's Barbara talking about this idea of, all right, there's no set number of times per week, but generally speaking, once a week is the most beneficial. The return on investment beyond that, isn't that great. But below that, it definitely is. And now to see all the comments back and forth, that's one of the things I find the most interesting. And I get comments are crazy and those kind of things. But I think one thing that intrigues me is on a post like this, the number of people that assume whatever their experience is, is everybody's experience.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:39]:
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I was talking to some girlfriends who were like, just, you know, girlfriends talk about what? Stuff like that. And for me to have a little bit of, like, knowledge and be like, hey, it's actually like, that's good. Or that's encouraged. This. Or, you know, felt like I could help even just my friends.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:58]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:58]:
In talking about it and not being weird about it or be like, no, this is something we should prioritize.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:03]:
Yeah. Yeah. We're giving people confidence to address taboo issues, but they're not even that taboo. Like. Like, learn how to fight. Learn that it's okay to give them space to figure their. Their foundation out of the fight, but to come back and address it and then solve it. Like, it's basic, but yet it is very complicated.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:23]:
And it's caused many complicated. Yes, we do. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:28]:
Well, it's one thing that I just keep on coming back to, and I try to help our speakers here at Bayside whenever They speak even like gender stereotypes. There's a reason gender stereotypes are generally there, they're generally true. But sometimes one of our guys will say, well, you know, women are just like this. I'm like, no, your wife is like that. That's not at all how it operates in my house. But our assumption is whatever our individual experience is, we just assume everybody else is experiencing that. And there's a power in that because there is some truth in that. There is a common humanity that's shared.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:05]:
But one of the things I just try to encourage people with is, man, you had a bad experience in marriage. That does not mean marriage is bad. And it doesn't mean you're broken and it doesn't mean there is an opportunity and possibility that's out there. But especially you go in and look at these comments and it is very. The vitriol that's there. Well, women just withhold. And I'm like, I would withhold from you too. That's the attitude that you're having.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:28]:
And then you have, well, just men, all they need is this. And I'm like, well, okay, there are some needs that are actually there. I was in a conversation the other day with somebody and they had a little bit of a bent toward, I think, being unfair, generally speaking, to the shared humanity that we all the experience. And they were talking about that men just need to be much more compassionate on women during their time of the month, which understandably so, absolutely, that's the case. Right. Need to be very understanding. And they're talking, you know, there's just things that we can't control. It's so difficult and that kind of thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:02]:
And I said, no, absolutely. That there's a biological response that goes on to that. I said, is it possible that that same compassion needs to be understood when a man goes several days without sex?
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:14]:
Right. That.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:15]:
I'm not comparing the two. I'm not saying the two are the same by any means. Dangerous to do that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:19]:
I know this is a bit controversial.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:20]:
Very dangerous.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:21]:
But the idea that there is, there is a physiological response to this and may maybe. And men have to be very careful to not carry out their frustration on their wives and those kind of things. But maybe there is more of an angst that's going on there when they feel some disconnection of that kind of thing. And yet we can get so one sided in that if we're not very careful.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:39]:
But then again, like this is another great point of what we valued from this podcast is we get free counseling, which is what we're doing.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:48]:
Which I'm not a counselor. No, you're getting exactly what you pay
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:50]:
for, but nothing yet. Right. We don't pay to be on this podcast, but we get to then normalize and talk about and suggest that. That's a great point right there. Right. It's just like we've come a long way in our journey of issues or tensions or frustrations that you could withhold and get bitter towards, or you could withhold and feel sorry for yourself for. Or we simply say it how it is, we address it, we come back to it, and then the next time the month happens, it's better. It is better.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:26]:
And it's not great. It's better. And then it gets better. And then it gets better.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:30]:
You know, And I think just the understanding within that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:32]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:33]:
And that's one thing. You know, I'm going to teach premarital next weekend. Whenever we look at premarital class, a third of them are in their 20s, early 30s, first marriage. The two thirds are then in a variety of. Might be second marriages, could be much older as well. But one of the things that there are just certain lessons you just have to learn. You just have to get in. It's going to be messy and difficult.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:56]:
And some of those early fights are really where the skills are being built that you're going to carry through the rest of your marriage. And we can talk about them all day long and hopefully we normalize them and help, but you just gotta begin to figure it out. Oh, we just had that fight. Okay, that didn't go well. Well, let's learn from it. And what kind of what.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:13]:
And you do such a good job of teaching us how to like, self reflect individually first. Right. That's. I've grown so much in the last seven years or five years. Therefore I'm a better husband, better person, into any relationship. Right. So it's like the self discovery. That's another thing that's really stuck with me.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:31]:
Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's powerful. I was in Seattle last weekend and one of the things I think is so cool about this is so Friends, Partners, lovers, the kind of. The initial marriage book. Right. Came out almost 10 years ago. I wrote it 10 years ago, but we're coming up on the 10th anniversary of it. And so you think about all that.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:49]:
I've thought about all I've read, all I've studied since then, all those kind of things, multiple books since then. And here I am, Seattle, still doing the same marriage conference I did basically 10 years ago. And just the simplicity of that model to get back into Genesis 2. Friend, partner and lover. Friendship built on trust, partnership built on respect and intimacy built on vulnerability of how that just still so resonates with people. It's so easy to comprehend. Difficult to kind of play out easy to comprehend. By the way, something happened in Seattle has never happened to me in 30 years of speaking.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:25]:
Go on.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:26]:
I actually got rushed on stage.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:27]:
Oh, what do you mean? What does that mean?
Kevin Thompson [00:13:29]:
That means somebody came out, somebody almost attacked me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:31]:
What?
Kevin Thompson [00:13:32]:
Yes. So I'm in. Hey, sorry about this. To our friends up there in Seattle, I won't name the church.
Blaine Neufeld [00:13:37]:
Wow.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:38]:
But, you know, I almost needed a new life to make this happen. So literally, I'm speaking. I'm 33 minutes into this first session. Funny how I remember this specifically. So it's a 40 minute first session, then 40 minute second session with a break in between. So I have seven minutes on the clock and I just suddenly feel just this wave of energy and noise from behind me. And this guy who strung out on drugs comes rushing out on the stage. My first kind of response is to think, is this a bit? But literally that's like the first millisecond.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:14]:
And then immediately my next thing was find his hands. Because for some reason, I never thought gum and I thought knife. I literally thought, does he have a knife?
Blaine Neufeld [00:14:22]:
Wow.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:22]:
And so I'm now in the defensive position. Right. Clinched fist on stage. On stage. Yes. 350 people in the room, kind of in shock. They don't know what's going on. So he comes out hollow stage.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:32]:
So it's very loud. It has some levels. And so he hits the edge of a level where so the wood kind of cracks and falls open. And there's a. There's a stool right behind me. And he grabs the stool and I don't. I don't know if he swung it at me or just took it away violently. I'm not sure which one.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:49]:
But he took it. And then he runs off stage. I'm just kind of shocked. And so I turn around and the pastor's on the front row. Great guy. And the pastor goes, hey, Kevin, that was not planned. And I'm like, really? Because if it was, I'm really angry. And so sure enough, they ended up arresting him in the parking lot.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:09]:
Apparently he told the police he thought I was his dad. And which. I'm like, were you going to hit me or hug me? Like, which one do you need in that moment? So 30 years of speaking, that is
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:18]:
your adrenaline just pumping after it was. You can't really, like, focus.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:22]:
It was going. I was amazed at how quickly I did turn it back around. And it took me about a second, about 60 seconds to get the room back on my side.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:15:30]:
No kidding.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:31]:
Everyone's probably like, oh, yeah, well, what about their kids? And what about all these kind of things? So I spoke for another six minutes. We closed out that session, and then we came back, took a break, and then came back and did the. But the idea that all these years later, what was I doing up in Seattle? It was French murder.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:46]:
Right, Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:47]:
We can. Let's face it. I think. I think in the end, if I spend the rest of my life riding on marriage, I think in the end, when somebody says, hey, what's marriage to you? I think I'm going to say friend, partner, and lover.
Blaine Neufeld [00:15:57]:
That's it. And it's like, it's exciting when the couples that we meet, they're very, very, very good at one of the three. Let's say there's. There's so much hope and excitement around that, then they're more likely to work on the other two, you know? Right. Because there's, like, something there, like, oh, we're really good friends. Well, learn how to become partners. And we aren't great lovers. Well, learn how to work that through, because you guys are such good friends.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:21]:
But don't just stick in that one spot.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:23]:
And how so often we run to the weakness. But I think there's a power there. What's your strength? Let's build on that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:29]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:30]:
What makes us such great friends? Okay, there is this. This tremendous trust. We figured that out. How can that ripple into these other areas of life instead of just, you know, if somebody goes on, change the odds and takes the friends, partners, lovers assessment, and they see, oh, our lowest score is partnership. Let's get to work on that. Not necessarily.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:47]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:47]:
I mean, you can. But what are your strengths? How can we build on those in a way that's going to ripple over into the other?
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:53]:
Well, we're best of friends, Adrienne and I. We are 10 out of 10, right? Lovers. 10 out of 10.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:16:59]:
Oh, really?
Kevin Thompson [00:17:00]:
Yeah. I'm happy to hear that for you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:05]:
No, I agree, but I'm glad you think that, too. Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:10]:
Anyway. But partners, like the idea of, like, attacking a work project together. I am so wildly different than where she is. If that was the partnership that we were talking about, and then the. The cool reality is we don't need to do that. We don't have to be those.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:28]:
You don't Think we're good partners?
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:29]:
We're great partners. You support. Nice, Kev.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:32]:
Here we go.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:33]:
You support this. I'm supporting.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:35]:
Welcome to this episode of Fight Club.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:37]:
I'm your biggest cheerleader. We're partners in life.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:40]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:40]:
But if it was literal partners in
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:42]:
business, oh, yeah, I'd quit.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:45]:
I just asked her the other day, hey, if this and this happened, would you want to do this? Because you'd be good at that. No, I'm not interested. I wouldn't really want it. I'm like, okay, this is, like, here for you. And I'm thinking, I'm an eager beaver. Like, let's go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:58]:
Like, this is so exciting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:01]:
Yeah. And I'm like, I was so mad.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:04]:
I don't want to work hard. That's also a problem. I'm not a hard worker.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:08]:
You're willing to work hard on things that make you passionate that you're passionate about.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:13]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:13]:
Just slim pickings in the passion.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:15]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:15]:
Well, and that's the thing about the partnership is partnership can look different for different people. Yeah. And so it's not the idea. I think about our good friends Joey and Christie Spears. Right. And so great couple. We need to have them on another podcast within our network. Had them on to do a marriage thing, which, I mean, stay in your lane.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:34]:
My recommendation to them, are you doing this right? Not in that area you're not. But. But what a great couple. And people look at them and go, oh, that's what partnership is. Well, that's what partnership is for them. They run a business together. It feels like they're together just nonstop. And it's a beautiful thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:50]:
But for others, that's not the case at all. Jenny's running her business. I'm doing my thing over here. And partnership is not about. We're doing the exact same thing in the exact same way. Instead, it is in the totality of life. We're covering our different areas in a very complementary kind of way. And then we're working together to where we're better together than what we would be apart.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:13]:
And y' all are clearly better together. We're 10 what you would be apart. And so your partnership is strong. It just looks different.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:20]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:20]:
Than what that would necessarily look like for other people.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:23]:
Yes. And I think that was. My point, was, like, it's not some cookie cutter. Oh, I don't have that. It looks different for everybody. But there are things that we're super, super God given good at that we should really try to embark on those kind of things, like friendships.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:39]:
What's something. So I think y' all been on about half the episodes. I think y' all about 50, right? So it's yalls 50th birthday, so you
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:49]:
look great for 50. Baby.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:50]:
You're empty nesting. So what's. It doesn't have to be the most or the biggest or anything like that. But personally, what's one thing that's impacted you individually or Yalls relationship that you might have first kind of picked up here in the midst of our conversation? What's something that's made a difference in the Newfeld health?
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:08]:
I've been talking too much. You start.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:20:10]:
I think this might be your answer. But the attachment styles really I think just help us gain understanding about ourselves and each other and how we respond to each other in like conflict or like, why are you freaking out about this? Or even parenting. We talk a lot about that with couples too. Like the attachment styles.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:32]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:33]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:33]:
We definitely steal that and have helped a lot of people. I agree. The. The one I. I've taken and it's just like because you could share a bunch of stories, I'm sure too about that. I don't know if you want to do that now. Do this first. A window of tolerance.
Blaine Neufeld [00:20:49]:
Like this concept just blew me away. It put words to so many actions as I point to my spouse.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:20:58]:
Even this morning you were like, we can talk about how you had no window opening today. Yeah, that happens a lot, I guess.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:06]:
Yeah. And. But it, it verbalizes all of these emotions inside. So suddenly again, this is like so cool that we can normalize what normally is a five day fight into saying, oh, I see that her window is closed. I'm okay. I'm not threatened. I'm actually excited because I know that her window's closed right now of this and I'm going to wait until later. And then I said a couple things later on and the window was cracked open and it only opened up the window more.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:38]:
I love it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:39]:
It was awesome.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:39]:
I love it. Whereas in other scenarios, if you're not aware of that, it can be when the window shut and you don't know there is a window, I'm going to force my way into that which creates more conflict.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:50]:
First three years of our marriage and the anxious attachment from me pursuing to crack that window open all the time only to find that it was shut and shut very firmly only made it worse. I tried to break the window open at times that made it worse. You know, it's such a great analogy.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:09]:
I love how the. Yeah, so that's Dan Siegel Right. Dan Siegel down at UCLA came up with a window of tolerance. So much of what we talk about here is him. We need to get him on the episode of the podcast. That would be brilliant. But that idea of just to show how our relational dance is impacting each other, that's one thing I really love, and that's why I love the Fight Club episodes, is to begin to show how, all right, I'm actually contributing to what this person is doing, and they're contributing to what I'm doing. And so often this is.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:39]:
This is from love styles. So often the very outcome I'm trying to avoid, my actions are causing and the very outcome I want, my actions are preventing. And so how can I change that? That's what I think is such an awesome kind of moment for couples to begin to experience that. We're going to be this weekend, we're in Napa with 100 people, and should be a tremendous amount of time. But I think so much of what we will do there is that is to help couples begin to see, hey, you actually have more control in your relationship than you realize. There needs to be an empowerment there. Because I think when marriage goes unhealthy, we tend to feel powerless because we don't see the dance. We don't see the dynamic of what's happening.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:19]:
I think one thing that hopefully this podcast is helping people see is, oh, here's the role I play in that. So I now have power in what I actually do that can change the outcomes of what I'm experiencing. A pretty cool thing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:31]:
What are you going to say?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:31]:
I was going to say also triangulation.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:33]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:34]:
Really? Like that one.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:35]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:36]:
Because it happens so often and you don't realize it, but now you can see it once, you know.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:40]:
Yeah. So we. I just shot another episode on this without y'.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:43]:
All.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:44]:
So we. We did an episode together in which I. I think it came up as a side note at the end of. Of a Fight Club of, hey, here's what's happening. That's. There's actually. They're triangulating. And so if you go back and listen, I think it's episode 98.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:55]:
This is 100. So two episodes ago, it just came out as where. As we're shooting this now is. I did a whole episode, like, 28 minutes, to explain more in depth of what that looks like and how that kind of. How that kind of plays out. So I think that's a good thing. Is there anything we talk about here that you're like, he keeps on bringing that up all the time. And it's just.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:15]:
I don't get it. Or it's not that important or I don't see it. Does Kevin have a thing about this?
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:20]:
Do you feel like there is something that you're saying that we're not getting?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:24]:
No, not necessarily. No, I just. No, I just, you know, we all have our pet things that we keep on coming back to and.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:30]:
No, it's. It's just like thinking back through the season of learning, which is what we're doing here. And it's been. It's been incredible. Like, I think the Fight Club, we were allowed to use a lot of these things that we're learning and put them to practice. And so, yeah, no, it's been constantly rewarding for me to be here too.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:53]:
I can't think of anything other than like golf. There's a lot of zero.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:58]:
What?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:59]:
What?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:59]:
I don't understand why. What is it exactly?
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:03]:
Product placement.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:04]:
To our friends at the Coca Cola Bottling Company.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:06]:
Cheers.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:08]:
Episode 200.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:09]:
We gotta have.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:10]:
Well, this is it.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:12]:
This is supposed to be episode. You want the episode 200 to be brought to you by the Coca Cola bottling company?
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:17]:
Yeah. We've done so much for them.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:20]:
Just in. What I've spent on them alone is useful.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:24]:
You should buy their stock. I hope that you have their stock.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:27]:
You know, I don't with. With Warren. With Warren retiring, I'm out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:31]:
Are you on a first name basis with Warren?
Kevin Thompson [00:25:33]:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which is ironic because he, you know, he. Well, we shouldn't go there. No, but you know, he was married and he had a side chick for. I did like 60 years.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:44]:
Shorty on his side.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:45]:
Yeah. So if. I don't even know what that means. So
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:50]:
you listen to Pink and you don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:53]:
Shaggy hasn't used that phrase yet, so. But yeah, if you read Warren's biography, it's very interesting. He had a very unconventional home life. That was somewhat intriguing. So brilliant financially.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:05]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:05]:
But I would not model.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:07]:
There were some triangulations.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:08]:
Only like one thing or something.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:09]:
He would. He would eat very regular. Yes. He was a McDonald's guy and a Coke guy. But would very eat regular things. That way you wouldn't have to make those choices. In other words, I'm making enough decisions in life. Here's one area.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:20]:
I don't have to make a decision because I'm just eating the same thing every single day. I heard that Nick Saban's the same way Nick Saban would eat an oatmeal cream. Pie for breakfast every morning.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:27]:
And Steve Jobs, didn't he, like, one time he just ate apples for, like.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:32]:
And Kevin Thompson.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:33]:
And Kevin Thompson.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:35]:
Because the only brilliant people you think
Kevin Thompson [00:26:36]:
about, the great leaders in life, Warren Buffett, Nick Saban, Steve Jobs and Kevin Thompson. One of these. That doesn't sound like the other.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:44]:
Have you eaten anything recently that is really extended your palate?
Kevin Thompson [00:26:49]:
That would be unique for me. Yeah, I. I feel like I have because Jenny and I. Oh, I mean, this is. This is not unusual for me, but others would find it unusual. I was. When I was in Seattle last weekend, before nearly dying, I, like, I went and got a bowl, a big old bowl of clam chowder, which would be very Unkevin Thompson, like. But Jenny has convinced me into that, and now I love it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:11]:
You love it because you're not eating food normally?
Kevin Thompson [00:27:15]:
Well, I mean, before Jenny, I didn't, but now I do. Yeah, I branched out.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:19]:
Yeah. We tease you a bit, but you're growing. I am.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:22]:
It's not where I am, it's where I've come from.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:23]:
That's right.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:24]:
That's what the guys actually like us. That's all right. So let's give a little preview before we sign off here of what is to come. What are. What are you all excited about? So here's kind of the format that we have now, I feel like, is we do some episodes together, Fight club conversations like this. Y' all will be out interviewing important couples, intriguing couples, find out what's the root of their marriage, where's their strength of what's taking place. The episode right before this, which hasn't aired yet as we're shooting this is with Jason and Stephanie Cain. So brilliant couple.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:54]:
So good.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:55]:
Right. And so y' all will be shooting those, and then I'll do these kind of one off individual episodes, maybe a teaching time. The creation of us is coming out in a month, so my book, the creation of Osteo, will be talking about. About that. What are some things y' all are excited about? Hopeful over these next 100 episodes to birthday number 200 that y' all want to see it within this podcast.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:15]:
You're looking at me like I have the answer.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:17]:
Yeah, I've got a couple so that I'm quite excited about. We love interviewing couples. We think it's just so interesting. There's a world of people we want to meet and get to know. And I think it's also interesting when someone has a very prominent role, but we interview almost the spouse of that person and, like, work through normalize that celebrity, let's say. But at the same time, they have a marriage, and it's a good marriage. Those are the ones that we would want on the podcast. Not a broken Warren Buffet.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:50]:
There's a place for that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:51]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:52]:
One thing I would love for us to get to. I don't know if I will be able to, but I just watched the Martin Short documentary. I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:58]:
It is.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:59]:
We love. Love him Canadian and. Yeah, that too. Yeah. No, he is Canadian.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:05]:
I should be more excited about that.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:06]:
So his wife sadly died, but they were talking about how they had the marriage that everybody looked to to such an extent that one celebrity went to a marriage counselor, and the marriage counselor said, hey, what's a couple that you really respect? And they said, martin Short and his wife. And the marriage counselor says, I can't tell you how many people have told me that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:25]:
No way.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:26]:
What a beautiful thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:28]:
What I would love to get, if we can ever get to this point, is you take these people who are extremely successful in places where marriage normally isn't a strength, and they have found a way to develop it. I'd love to have Tom Hanks on and his wife. Tom and Rita. Because Hollywood rarely has a strong marriage. And here, this marriage has lasted for all these years.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:48]:
And how.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:49]:
How has that. How has that happened?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:51]:
And they are both actors, right?
Kevin Thompson [00:29:53]:
Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:55]:
And how do you support each other? And especially if one person's, like, more elevated in Hollywood?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:00]:
And I think that would be so cool for the two of y' all to sit down. We'd love with them. And just. And look, there's gonna be a million things that we disagree on. Who cares about those things? This is. This is a podcast about marriage.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:11]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:12]:
Who values it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:12]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:13]:
And how is it that you've made this work? I would. I would love. I don't know if we can say this out loud. I'd love to have Barack and Michelle on of. How. How have you had this?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:21]:
Heaven is dreaming big, and I am here for it.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:24]:
How have you had this marriage in this political world where marriages don't make it very often?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:29]:
But, like, is there a marriage?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:31]:
Yeah. No. It did seem, from all accounts, unless you. Unless you've been.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:35]:
Well, there were rumors, so I don't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:36]:
We're keeping up on the team. But.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:39]:
But in other words, I don't care about political affiliation, all those kind of things. I want to know where a man loves a woman and has done so for a long time. What's allowed that for you to work in your life. How do we make that happen?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:51]:
Yeah. And then the holy spirit hits them and boom.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:53]:
Absolutely.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:55]:
Party.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:55]:
45 minutes with.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:57]:
Are we throwing out wish list here?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:58]:
Okay, go ahead.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:00]:
It doesn't have to be Scotty Scheffler and his wife.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:03]:
Oh, I love it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:04]:
But some golf pro golf.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:06]:
A.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:06]:
Like the golf traveling world of a family. There's so many. Tony Feen out is documented about it many times where it's like. That would be interesting to me.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:15]:
I would find that interesting, too.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:17]:
An occupation that is. We are all in football players. They're all in like athletes. But a true. Yeah, athletes. I guess. Yeah. In many ways.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:25]:
But yeah. Just to see marriage because I know a lot of hockey guys that they've come and gone with spouses. There is. I love the ones that, like, they respect their spouse and they acknowledge the fact of the sacrifice that they had. And I know so many of them also see it as this is my world. You're here to serve me. And that breaks down.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:45]:
How is LeBron and his wife made it?
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:47]:
That's a great question.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:48]:
In a field where that rarely.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:50]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:51]:
Rarely happens.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:51]:
How do we know that these marriages are making it like we don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:54]:
Behind them on the podcast.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:56]:
In the same way that I don't know that Yalls is either. But.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:59]:
But there's fruit.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:00]:
But a general concept.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:01]:
Know them personally?
Kevin Thompson [00:32:02]:
No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:03]:
No idea what's behind the veil.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:04]:
It's an absolute guess as far as that goes. No doubt.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:06]:
And I hope it is.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:07]:
But there is fruit and there is this outward. And if nothing else, there is some test of look like with. With LeBron. To my understanding, there's been no allegations of cheating or anything like that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:18]:
No.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:19]:
And here they've stayed married for all these years. So that alone. The fact that they've stayed married for all these years and there haven't been any, as far as I know, credible stories about something going on on the side.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:28]:
All right.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:28]:
That alone is strange in this world. Right. And so. No, those are the kind of things I would love to see y' all engage in. And then beyond that, CEOs and just various.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:38]:
Exactly.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:39]:
Various. I would love Nate Bargazzi and his wife.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:42]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:42]:
Oh, no, that's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:44]:
Leanne.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:45]:
We don't know anything about her. No.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:47]:
Leon.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:47]:
Oh, Leah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:48]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:48]:
Leanna and Chuck. Absolutely. Oh, that's who you want to interview?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:53]:
Yeah. Like, we want, like. Okay. So what's it really like to be married to them? Because we. This is who we see. But what are his Flaws.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:59]:
Because what's fun is, is. Is, you know, people. You don't probably know this, Kevin, but people would find you very interesting. Why there would be people that see their pastors and say, wow, they must have it all together. Or they're, wow, wow, wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:33:15]:
But what are the cracks?
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:16]:
And we get to see that there are some FL laws in these marriages.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:20]:
Some.
Blaine Neufeld [00:33:21]:
Yeah, we love, but people really don't know. But then at the same time, we love to normalize the fact that you're holding this weight of leading churches and pastoring people and all these things, but you can be vulnerable enough to say there's moments. Yeah. That we. We have to work at this, but we're thankful that we're very good at this and this and this. We can normalize it to give the ever person, everyday person hope to say, oh, they're not perfect.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:46]:
I told Jenny the other day that there's nothing exists like this, but I wish it did in that I wish there were a flag I could raise or a shirt I could wear that just says, hey, he's going through a season right now. He has nothing to give. And so we're just kind of coming out of. Hopefully coming out of that. Just a few weeks have been extremely difficult for some things that we're handling. We're great, but handling it together. And literally, I've had no space whatsoever. People have called and I've had to say, hey, I can't, I can't.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:17]:
And so that is an interesting thing that what goes on behind the scenes, even as we're standing on stage. And I think one thing that grieves me is it kind of goes back to the critique of happily. One time, the book Happily, somebody wrote on there, hey, these are all great principles, but it would never work in a family that has a child with special needs. Yeah, that's hilarious.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:38]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:38]:
I have a child down syndrome. I wrote the book.
Blaine Neufeld [00:34:40]:
Right, Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:41]:
But their assumption is, oh, your life is this. It doesn't compare to my life. Not reckon. And I get that. Jenny and I are so blessed. And there's a lot of things we don't face that other couples do. But there is a reality of life that we live on a daily basis. And these things that we're talking about is not theory.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:57]:
It's lived experience in what's taking place.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:00]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:01]:
What are we about to say? We about to say something?
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:03]:
It was going to be good, too.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:04]:
I don't know. No, it left.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:06]:
All right, well, we're going to wrap this up. So 35 minutes in awesome hundredth episode. Thank you for what you do. Thank you for, thank you for giving. I don't, I don't know if people know this, but the experts say it's Adrienne's job to humanize me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:19]:
Wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:21]:
You're welcome.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:23]:
I don't know what kind of job you're doing.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:26]:
You're doing great.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:27]:
Can it be a job?
Kevin Thompson [00:35:31]:
People still think I'm a robot, but not for long.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:34]:
Kevin.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:34]:
Less robotic. Less robotic in some way.
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:36]:
Life. It has been incredible.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:35:38]:
Yeah. Thank you for letting us join you.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:41]:
So go make sure you like or subscribe YouTube obviously and go into the comments and tell us what topic or more importantly, what couple, what celebrity couple would you like to see on the
Blaine Neufeld [00:35:51]:
change and if you know them, invite
Kevin Thompson [00:35:52]:
them over and more importantly, if you know them, we can actually make this happen. Until next time, we'll see you.