Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:00]:
Let me ask you something. Have you ever been disappointed by something your spouse didn't do that you never actually asked for? You thought being known meant being loved? They thought they were doing their best. Today's Fight Club is about expectations, mind reading, and why romance collapses when clarity goes missing. If you ever thought if you really loved me, you'd know this one's for you.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:22]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Change the odds for marriage and family were never meant to be a game of chance. Kevin Thompson, Blaine and Adrienne Neufeld.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:29]:
Hello.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:29]:
Hello.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:30]:
Hello. This is us.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:33]:
Okay. Yeah, that's an old show that we no longer follow.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:36]:
Oh, I love that show. It was very.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:39]:
It was brilliant.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:40]:
Remember that one?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:40]:
Yeah. But we never finished.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:41]:
Oh, we couldn't get through. It was too sad, too emotional.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:00:44]:
I don't like vulnerability. But in 2026, that's the.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:48]:
That's the word of the year. Adrienne's word of the year. What's your word of the year? And we're well into the year, by the way. We're like, six weeks into it, but.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:54]:
Yeah, I don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:56]:
Okay, well, you don't need a word.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:57]:
I don't need.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:58]:
You're here to help other people.
Blaine Neufeld [00:00:59]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:59]:
Not yourself.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:00]:
Sherpa. So you did not see that coming?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:06]:
I mean, I saw a million things coming right there, but that was not one sure.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:11]:
This is so my. So.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:12]:
No, no.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:12]:
A Sherpa is like. Is like a shepherd, right?
Kevin Thompson [00:01:15]:
I don't know.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:16]:
It's like someone who, like, leads the people up the mountain.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:18]:
Yeah, yeah. So my buddy. My buddy calls me. Is that a Sherpa? Really?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:22]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:23]:
Oh, cool. So a buddy calls me up and he says. He's talking life over me. He's like, you're. You're a Sherpa this year, your job is to walk with people. Let. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:34]:
Let them kind of put their bags down and say, you don't need to carry that. We can carry this together for a bit. I won't be with you the whole way, but I'm going to help you get up the mountain.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:43]:
That's really good.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:44]:
Bet you guys did not see that.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:46]:
I did not. And my goodness, I'm a man now.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:48]:
Every time I wear this, I will think of.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:50]:
I might start wearing it. No, no shirt underneath.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:01:56]:
I am your.
Blaine Neufeld [00:01:57]:
I'm your spiritual shirt.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:00]:
That's funny.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:01]:
I love it.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:01]:
All right, Adrienne, what fight do we have today?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:04]:
All right, here we go. Hey, Fight club. Valentine's Day last year was a huge disappointment. I had this picture in my head of what it would be like. Romantic thought, thoughtful, meaningful. My husband tried, but it wasn't what I wanted. And I got quiet. Then resentful.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:22]:
When I finally told him I was hurt, I got defensive and said, no. Sorry. He said he got defensive and said, how was I supposed to know? I felt unseen. He felt like he failed.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:32]:
Yep.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:33]:
I'm an enneagram 4 with avoidant attachment. He's a 2 with anxious attachment. How do we stop hurting each other like this and make this valent this year's Valentine's Day better?
Kevin Thompson [00:02:44]:
Oh, wow. The pressure. The pressure that's building. Don't we know it failed last year.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:48]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:48]:
This isn't like Valentine's Day related, but once.
Blaine Neufeld [00:02:51]:
Just life. Just disappointing.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:02:52]:
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I used to love orchids when I was young. Young. Young. We started dating at 16. So, like, early on, fast forward, maybe, like, 15, 20 years. And he bought me a giant orchid, but I no longer liked them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:04]:
Oh. And I was, like, a little late to the game.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:07]:
Well, because orchids don't die. So you're stuck with this giant orchid forever, and you're like, they're kind of gaudy. And like. Like, I was just over orchids.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:15]:
Wow.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:15]:
I can tell.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:16]:
And I was like, he doesn't know me. Oh, how can he not know that I despise orchids now?
Kevin Thompson [00:03:23]:
Whereas I'm over here going, my, you were so thoughtful. You. You knew what her favorite flower at least used to be.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:29]:
Yeah. Were we dating or were we. We were married, Cuz I know not.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:32]:
I remember texting my friend, like, he got me an orchid. What am I do? But, you know, I never verbalized that to you.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:40]:
Here I thought I hit it on the nose, you know, listening.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:43]:
I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid to be like, hey, actually, I don't love.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:47]:
Or you're afraid to tell me a lot of things.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:48]:
So why is that? What is that? That's two things. That's two things that we're about to dive into.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:03:52]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:53]:
It's your lead style and your love style. So let's break down. Adrienne.
Blaine Neufeld [00:03:56]:
Yes, please. Please.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:58]:
So what is it of your lead style that prevents you from telling him? Sometimes it is that, as a nine, I like peace. You like peace.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:06]:
I don't want to disrupt.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:08]:
So focused on that that sometimes you will not initiate that which will cause disruption in the moment. And because you won't initiate that, you create disruption in my brain.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:20]:
But he doesn't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:21]:
Well, he does now. 20 years later or 15, whatever. Y' all haven't been married that long. But all these years later, well, dated six. Anyways, you now know. So you show your lead side. You have to be aware of that. That's the shadow side of a nine.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:34]:
Nine. Peacemaker. Everything's great. Here's the downside you have to think about. What do I want? I so want peace. And actually creating the disruption right now will lead to peace. Withholding the disruption right now will actually. I mean, withholding the.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:49]:
Will cause disruption down the road. So actually, the very thing you want to avoid, your actions are causing.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:04:54]:
And then you know what else? Because. Because I like autonomy, and I like control. I send him all the links to the gifts I want because I know if he doesn't get it right, I'm gonna be like. I'm gonna be like, you don't even know me. Why would you buy me this? So then I take control and I'm like, buy me.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:08]:
I love that. That's common sense. Are you okay with that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:11]:
Well, this is our biggest fight, Kevin.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:13]:
Oh.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:13]:
So, whoa. Change the episode to blame.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:17]:
Of course Kevin agrees with me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:19]:
Of course.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:19]:
Because we're the same.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:21]:
I. No, I don't care. Like, I don't care that you didn't like a flower. Throw the flower out. I don't care. I'm just trying to make you happy.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:05:27]:
Expensive, too. So then I felt bad about the money.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:30]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:31]:
But why don't you like it that she tells you what to buy her?
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:34]:
I don't mind it. I don't like when people don't appreciate gestures from others.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:41]:
No, absolutely.
Blaine Neufeld [00:05:41]:
That's what I don't like.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:42]:
So. So it's like, oh, I think this is so important. This is why it's so vital to figure out you as a couple. What are your lead styles? What are your love styles? Because here is something. What will make one relationship work better can harm another relationship. So here's Adrienne. Right. Agency.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:00]:
I don't want to be disappointed. I'm going to tell you what I want as somebody as a six who desires certainty. That is gold to me. She has given me certainty. Clear. Here's the demands. Oh, my goodness. I can relax.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:16]:
I don't have to worry about this. As an 8 who likes his own agency, you kind of want to be able to do it yourself, and you want your action to be appreciated.
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:25]:
I want to be appreciated.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:27]:
I don't care if you appreciate my action or not. I just want to know, did I do right? And so notice that Adrienne has to be recognized that she's married to you. And so what does this look, Kevin. So how can. Isn't she grateful for that? So now you can begin to communicate. Okay, maybe it's a. It's a list. What is it that makes it okay for you to.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:46]:
Where you still feel appreciated in. What's going on?
Blaine Neufeld [00:06:49]:
She has a hard, hard time accepting any gift.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:06:52]:
That's another thing. I don't accept gifts. Well, that's like my shadow side. Because I guess it's the lack of control that I have over that gift.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:59]:
Well, it's also the pressure of what if you don't like it?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:03]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:03]:
And then that. That could hurt the piece.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:06]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:06]:
Because then.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:07]:
Cuz she's so fake when she opens a gate.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:09]:
Am I getting better? I used to not wear. I used. You'd be like, oh, that girl hates that. That gift. No, I'm trying to fake it better.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:15]:
No, no. She's not a very good actor.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:17]:
I totally get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:18]:
She's like, thank you. Thank you so much.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:21]:
Oh, you're saying I'm bad at acting.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:23]:
Yeah, you're still.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:23]:
You're still.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:26]:
You can't lie.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:27]:
Act like you love your goodness.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:07:29]:
I'm not a good liar.
Blaine Neufeld [00:07:30]:
She's walking around the house. She hadn't told me something for two weeks, which was not a big deal at all. She's like, I got to tell you something. I'm like, oh, no.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:39]:
So, Adrienne, let's get back to you here. So. So your lead style will cause that to happen, but then your love style will do that as well. So your anxiousness will at times cause you to withhold some things out of fear that if you put it out on the table, it's going to be too much because you feel a little bit too emotionally driven and all that. And it's just going to be too much. So you have both of those things that are against you on this idea. So your huge growth curve here is vulnerability. Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:06]:
The word of the year. I. I'm going to do this in the moment, knowing it actually will lead to the outcome. I want that. I'm going to choose a secure approach. And in this moment, while I'm normally a nine, I'm actually not going to be a nine. I'm going to channel my inner blame.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:21]:
And I'm going to be an eight, because I'll stop. Can I stop you and say you may is. It's irrelevant. The gift is irrelevant. It's the effort that the other person gave to you to go and buy this gift.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:33]:
I know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:33]:
That you should see and love.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:35]:
Yeah. So she. Yeah, she's Focused on the gift. She's.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:38]:
She's focused on herself.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:39]:
I get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:40]:
Very selfish.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:40]:
Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm working on it.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:42]:
Let's get back to this couple. Whoever they were.
Blaine Neufeld [00:08:44]:
He likes to keep the peace. There is none.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:47]:
Did you write this in?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:08:48]:
I should have.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:49]:
All right, so. So let's remind ourselves of what that fight even was. Right? So she's expecting him to know, and he's trying and it's not working. Valentine's Day. Last Valentine's Day was horrible because she had these expectations. He didn't meet the expectations and he tried. He's frustrated and she's hurt.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:06]:
Wait, does anybody at this table celebrate Valentine's Day?
Kevin Thompson [00:09:08]:
No.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:09]:
Well, we don't. Like, we don't with anyone else.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:14]:
Galentine's Day.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:15]:
What's that?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:16]:
When you hang out with your girlfriends.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:17]:
Oh, what? Oh, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:09:19]:
No, I'd hang out with couples because.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:21]:
We don't put a lot of emphasis on Valentine's Day. And I don't think you and Jenny do either.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:24]:
No, no. But here's what I'm about to tell you. Why some couples do okay and why some couples do and shouldn't. And why some couples do and should.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:32]:
Okay, here.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:33]:
So for a lot of couples, they put emphasis on Valentine's Day and they shouldn't because the relationship is bad. And they're trying to make up in a day what they're losing in a.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:09:41]:
Year by love or whatever, and they.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:42]:
Need to figure that out. But there are certain personality types that days are more important, and those couples should put emphasis. And whether or not you come from a family, let's say your family didn't pay any attention to Valentine's Day. You married somebody who did, and this is important to them. Well, guess what? It's important to you now. And specifically, let's look at her of what's going on. So she says she's a four, right? So let's look. What are the emotions going on underneath this fight? Her expectations, his failure.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:12]:
She's disappointed. So these are the undertable. She's disappointed, she's sad, she's withdrawing. She's written the belief. If you truly knew me, you would just do this. Right? So he's over here. He feels afraid, he feels shamed. He's desperate to fix what's going on.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:28]:
Then he's like, just tell me. Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. And notice how that is creating, making the fight even worse.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:34]:
Okay, wait. So if a guy's like, if a girl Thinks you should know me. That's wrong, right?
Kevin Thompson [00:10:40]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:41]:
About everything. Like, you've been together for 20 years. You don't know that. I hate the.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:45]:
What?
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:45]:
I mean, if she's articulated and brought things to the table, and then he should remember listening.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:10:49]:
He's choosing. Okay, okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:10:50]:
Come on, dude. You know me by now.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:53]:
Yes. You can't use this as an excuse of not knowing your spouse. Right. John Gottman's gonna talk about. Why do I have no problem quoting John Gottman? But if you go to love languages, I'm bitter, so. And what's funny is Gary's greatest. The greatest guy ever.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:07]:
Let's get Gary on the show.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:08]:
He will come on the show and he will be great. He will pastor the two of you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:11:12]:
Ooh, I'd love that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:14]:
Finally.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:15]:
What would that experience be like? He is so much better in this space. And. And he's made millions. Kevin, you're doing it. There it is.
Blaine Neufeld [00:11:22]:
Oh, wait, there it is.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:24]:
It's the taxes. So the fight is on now because he just keeps on asking, just tell me what to do. Which is driving her deeper down into her. Well, that's the problem. And now they need to find a way to pop out of that. So let's look at what their lead styles are, get in their love styles, make some recommendations and move on. So she's a four. So think about a four.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:46]:
Creative, artistic, There's a depth, love. Notice this. A four is going to love authenticity, big feeler, and any sense. Any sense of being non authentic. Authentic. Yes, that's exactly right. Now I'm turning to blame pronunciation.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:05]:
Ugh. I'm the only one left.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:06]:
This is taking a turn. So anything like that is going to hurt. Now here's what we have to notice about even the shadow side. Let's go ahead and jump into the shadow side for her. The shadow side of a four is they can always feel like something is broken within them. And you can't really know who I am.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:22]:
Could we say fours are, like, emotional?
Kevin Thompson [00:12:24]:
So notice this. Well, it depends. Well, anybody can be emotional, but fours are more in touch with their emotions. Think about this. Fours will upregulate, right? Sadness.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:36]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:37]:
Whereas others will downregulate. You won't even know that there's a two. You'll never even know. A two is sad. Right? They're just out there doing the work, helping everybody out. A3, you'll know that they're appropriately sad. A4, they walk in the room and you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:51]:
Everybody knows.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:52]:
You'll see it on your Face on.
Blaine Neufeld [00:12:53]:
The bags will drop.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:12:55]:
I know a couple fours, I think.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:56]:
No, absolutely. So fours. We love them. Fours are. Well, especially in our world. We're going to be around a lot of fours. Musicians are fours. Many times they see the beauty in the world.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:05]:
So think about a healthy four. It sees the beauty in the world and the brokenness and how we can intermediate feel it.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:10]:
And that's how they write their music.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:11]:
Yes. They create art and all these kinds of. Of things. Right. So all that's a positive thing. Now he's a two, which is an interesting combination here. So he is outward focused, bringing care and attentiveness. He's devoted.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:27]:
He will work all day long to serve you, to make things right. Matter of fact, he'll do it to such an extent, his shadow side is he will forget about what's going on inside of him because he's serving everybody else. So think about. Here's what they share in common. They both prioritize primarily bonding connection. On the pre. Last week's episode, we said neither one were led by their heart. In this week's episode, they're both led by their heart.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:13:52]:
Ooh, interesting.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:53]:
But it's being expressed in different ways, and that can create some of the danger that's there. So the power of this couple is. It can be. I mean, they can be emotionally rich, they can be bonded. That expression. This can be a highly passionate couple. And what's going on. Very expressive outwardly, inwardly.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:12]:
I mean, so many strengths that are here. But there are some downsides. And the downside is she feels like, you can never know me, and yet if I'm not known, I'm not loved. So notice how if we have an unhealthy. I'm not saying we do, but whenever A4 is unhealthy, this can be one of the more difficult scenarios. Scenarios, because they're driven by their heart. They want their heart seen and recognized. They desperately need connection with others.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:42]:
And yet, because they're inwardly focused, they don't always see how their actions are impacting others and actually pushing others away. And they've already written the story. You can't really know me, but man, you should try. Which puts him now in this very difficult position. It's almost like a treadmill, that no matter how hard you run, you're not going to move in any way. And then he has a downside as well. And that is that if I fail, I'm rejected. So if I don't meet your standards.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:13]:
So he's not even going to be Aware of his own needs other than I have to meet her standards because I have to be accepted. Because he wants relationship too. He wants the bonding. He's led by his heart as well. They just go at it in different ways. She's going to go at this need for connection now through the art and really through emotion. He's gonna go after it through service. So she's trying to show enough emotion to get you to love her.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:39]:
He's trying to serve hard enough to get her to love him. And it can begin to create some dangers here and now. Whenever you begin to look at what would a secure approach. How would. If they read Love Style, studied it well, bought copies for all their friends, what would it now look like? Let a group. So what would happen here is her. Did it say she's avoidant? Where was that?
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:03]:
I think so, yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:04]:
So she's avoidant, which is an interesting combination with his anxiousness. So she is going to be feeling all these things outwardly, showing them, but never verbally expressing them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:16:17]:
Wow, that's a tough task.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:20]:
That's difficult, right? That's difficult. Whereas he now is going to be working like crazy and he's going to feel the disconnect. He's going to see the emotion and yet the words aren't going to match the emotion, which is going to create a greater panic in him. And the only way he responds to panic is by more work and he's going to do more things wrong to not meet her expectation. So what would a secure approach looks like? It would be this idea of her being able first and foremost to see his trying is what matters the most, that he's making an effort. He values me, he loves me. He may not get it exactly right. And she leans into that and a willingness to bring out the expectations, to put them out on the table and to say, hey, here are some ways I could feel loved.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:15]:
Here are some gifts maybe that would be meaningful to me to have this clear communication of. Here's what a good Valentine's Day would actually look like to me.
Blaine Neufeld [00:17:24]:
What would be environments where she would be able to express her desires.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:30]:
So it would really require a bunch of emotional safety. Time needs to be proven to where she begins to come out of her anxious attachment and into a secure approach. So she'll begin to recognize, here's why I'm anxious, here's what caused it in my past.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:17:44]:
Here's.
Kevin Thompson [00:17:44]:
Here's how that expresses itself now, especially with him. Now, what does a secure approach look like? And then begin to try that show vulnerability. Our word of the year for 2026. Show vulnerability. One definition of vulnerability is vulnerability is taking the path that doesn't come naturally to you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:00]:
That's why it's hard.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:01]:
You're comfortable down this old road of not saying anything, of showing it but not saying it. Right. What she needs to do is go down the uncomfortable path of, ooh, voicing it in a.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:13]:
And maybe showing less of it.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:15]:
Yes.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:18:16]:
If that's possible.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:17]:
Yeah. No, that's a great point.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:18]:
And I'm wondering, because it's like in a small group setting, because if he keeps missing and can't figure it out and she doesn't know how to express it, girl, another girlfriend's understanding of her and her creativity. And what are you trying to say? Like talking it amongst a small group.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:33]:
Or just another couple.
Blaine Neufeld [00:18:34]:
Or another couple where it's like you. You can start to verbalize and put words to these things because he has every best intention. But she's having a tough time expressing it. I'm just curious. It's like practicality here.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:46]:
No, absolutely. Those type of people. And then for him, what he needs to begin to be able to do is to express to her, I need now I need a clarity of how you want me to show up for you. You know, I'm going to show up. A two's always going to show up. You know, he's showing up now. What she wants to do is channel that in a way that's most meaningful to her. And what's ironic is he wants that too.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:10]:
And so the irony here for me is, and it's not all on her by any means, maybe what this requires is him to have the courage to say, hey, I don't know what you need here and I desperately want that. So let's look at his shared part of the responsibility. His anxious attachment might be preventing him from admitting his lack of knowledge. And you can see how that's caused if she believes you have to. If you love me, you know me. For him to admit, I don't know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:19:42]:
You, I better not ask.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:43]:
Is now saying, I don't love you. And so he has to. A secure approach is to now show the courage feel for him. You're worried about this, but isn't it amazing how you can see how this couple could so easily miss each other? And it's very possible that their relationship is good, but these big holidays are what's tripping them up. Especially if he didn't come from a background where a big holiday mattered and she did. And then on top of that, you have this desire to have these kind of more show again, more emotion. I want the passion here. I want to see.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:15]:
Right.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:20:16]:
And he's like, I'm showing you by serving you.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:18]:
Yeah, no, that's exactly right. That's exactly what's going on here. But here's the good news. This couple is not following. As easy as it is for us to hear the conflict and go, oh, this could be bad. And it could be they're actually not that far away because they share so many things in common, the heart that they share together. If they will both learn a secure approach, then can what begin to happen is she can begin to say, hey, here's what I need. I'm going to communicate it clearly.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:46]:
Which gives him clarity. He then tries. She's going to focus more on the trying than the actual outcome of. Of what happens. But the outcome is far more likely to be right because he now has clarity of what's going on. And he's no longer afraid if she's looking at the trying. He's no longer afraid of getting it wrong. So he can communicate even more.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:06]:
Hey, how was this? Do you want something different in some way?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:09]:
You've started doing that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:10]:
Thank you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:11]:
Like a while ago you'd be like, what can I do that'll help you today?
Kevin Thompson [00:21:15]:
Oh, I love it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:16]:
But this is a little bit of us. Because I wouldn't want to have asked. I would have want to have just done it. And like, I don't want to be a failure, but now I don't care because you know that I love you, therefore, and I.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:29]:
And. And for me, I rather you ask so that, yeah, I have control, knowing it'll get done the way yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:34]:
Or. And I don't care, you know, so that it is. Is an important question. What was the question that you just said?
Kevin Thompson [00:21:39]:
She said you started doing this more. No, what.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:41]:
What did I ask you?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:42]:
You asked me, what can I do to help you today.
Blaine Neufeld [00:21:44]:
Yeah, that's a good question.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:21:45]:
Or I'll just be like, hey, it'd be really helpful if you do the, like, put the dishes away from the dishwasher.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:50]:
It's amazing whenever we start creating friends, partners and lovers of the morning, how much better our relationship is. So in friends, partners and lovers, I say, if you can every day ask what's one way I can help you today? And if you can ask that question, even if you can't do it, even if you can't do what they ask, at least you now have an understanding of what's going on in their world, even how they answer it, it will show. Are they stressed? Is she like, man, there's really not that much. You're like, oh, man, I can work a little bit harder today. I can maybe play golf today. Like, she's in a great spot if she just. I don't even know where to start. Oh, my gosh.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:23]:
Maybe I need to go in late. Maybe I need to come home early. I'm canceling the golf game. I'm doing all these things. She needs my full attention.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:30]:
Because if. If you're constantly asking me and I'm never asking you.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:34]:
No, that's both. Yeah, it's both. It's not. Yeah, it's not ask you, though.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:37]:
I don't know.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:38]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:39]:
I don't know. I mean, you're aware of needs of mine.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:42]:
Maybe I don't need to ask that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:22:44]:
You. She does know what I'm thinking. A little bit more simple, but. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Let's find out.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:51]:
Well, and within yalls relationship. Right. I mean, she. She will be a little bit more aware of internally what's going on.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:22:57]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:58]:
Because I'm dyadic and you're going to be. You're going to be very aware of what's going on externally with her, with everybody. Yeah. The whole world. Just because of where the focus actually is.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:06]:
Because now I'm picking up spots where I now know her better. To know dinner is a big stressor the choice of dinner. So, you know, what's. What are we thinking for dinner?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:15]:
And you're simple because really, all you do need is sex, so.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:19]:
And food.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:19]:
I know. Yeah. And I know when it's been too long. Yeah. You don't even have to ask. Sometimes I'm like, it should happen.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:27]:
No, no.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:28]:
I still. I'm putting out the cues. Like there's. I would love if you just. It was getting personal. Woke up one day and said, hey, how you doing, Tiger?
Kevin Thompson [00:23:38]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:38]:
She's never said tiger before.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:40]:
Do you want tiger?
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:41]:
No, I don't think tigers.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:42]:
Okay. Can we try that one day just to see if it freaks him out?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:45]:
Do you want to know about it?
Kevin Thompson [00:23:47]:
Okay, let's go. Let's get real. But we can always cut this out. No, I want to talk right now. No. Okay. No, no, no.
Blaine Neufeld [00:23:55]:
You can. No, I'm saying don't cut it out.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:23:57]:
Well, I never initiate. I do initiate in the morning in a. In a different way. It's not waking you up saying, hey, tiger, but it's in the shower.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:05]:
Oh. Oh, okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:07]:
I often do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:08]:
Yeah, there we go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:09]:
Because I know you're like, oh. I'm like, I don't want him grumpy today.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:12]:
But there's something.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:24:14]:
Get it out of the way. I have to do it tonight.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:16]:
Oh, yeah. But no.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:17]:
What is this?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:17]:
The box.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:18]:
But what is the inside me when I feel like it's out of guilt.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:23]:
Yeah, I get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:24]:
What's that? Is that my problem?
Kevin Thompson [00:24:26]:
No, it's. I think it's a reasonable expectation and. And thought there of. Yeah. Because here's the thing. What you actually want is not the sex.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:35]:
You want her. Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:37]:
And so when it's just right. When it's just guilt.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:41]:
Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:41]:
Sometimes it can be more demeaning. It depends on where we are. How long has it been?
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:44]:
And it depends on how it's set, because it's like. I'm like, fine, let's just go to the shower. Do you want to just do this? Well, no, I don't want to just.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:53]:
Put that on a Hallmark card. Right.
Blaine Neufeld [00:24:57]:
But at the same. If she's like, I want. Yeah, that.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:00]:
Oh, my gosh. Oh.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:01]:
So I just need to change my wording. It doesn't really matter what I'm saying.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:04]:
Back to the act. Back to the acting. We got to become.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:07]:
I got to be a better actor.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:08]:
Back to the act.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:09]:
I would love.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:10]:
Wow.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:11]:
To do this right now, even if I don't. Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:13]:
Game over.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:14]:
Got it.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:14]:
There you go.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:15]:
We just worked out a big issue.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:17]:
So if this is too personal, let me know.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:18]:
No, it's.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:19]:
But you don't know what I'm.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:21]:
Oh, I thought the past conversation.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:23]:
Oh, no, no. So, Adrienne, generally speaking, how many days goes by before, you know, this has been way too long.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:31]:
It's been like three or four days.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:32]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:34]:
If it's been a week, then we're in trouble.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:36]:
Yeah, no, absolutely. And this seasonality.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:39]:
Healthy. Is that okay?
Kevin Thompson [00:25:39]:
Oh, absolutely. That's completely.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:41]:
And it's usually situational. It's like the week's just been crazy or extra tired.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:46]:
And I wouldn't say that I'm, like, pestering. It is like, because I think it was three weeks. Yeah, I think.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:25:54]:
But now I'm more. Now I am more aware and more.
Blaine Neufeld [00:25:57]:
Intentional about, like, oh, young kids, younger kids, you know, whatever. So maybe not three weeks, but anyway.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:04]:
Yeah, but more. Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:05]:
But now the communication has increased the likelihood of it happening for healthy reasons. Right.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:12]:
You know, I've never heard anybody talk about this, and I. I don't know. Some. This might just be me. This is a little Vulnerability. I'm gonna the year. I'm hoping you're on my side with this.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:21]:
I'm with you.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:22]:
I don't think there's any way to explain. And I just assume this is for a man. Maybe it's not what it does to the clarity of your head.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:30]:
Yes, that's why I hop in the shower with him.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:32]:
Yes. That connection, like the difference between we haven't in a little bit and we just did. Like, literally. I can feel it. There's tension. That happens. Right? I can feel my.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:45]:
Should get Botox. That'll help.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:47]:
Maybe it would actually make the palsy go away. What if Jenny recommended that? What if her Valentine's Day.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:26:54]:
Hey, there's tension there. I can have syringe. We'll just pop some Botox.
Blaine Neufeld [00:26:58]:
Yeah.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:59]:
Jenny comes at me with a needle here. This will solve it. Yeah, but yeah, I don't think there's, I've never heard anybody talk about that. I don't know if women experience that.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:07]:
No, we don't because we because lies. Okay. Maybe it's a different way, but I don't think I'm aware of it. If, if it's something I need, I'm not aware of it because it'll. He'll be like, we, we need to do it. And I'll be like, what? We did it yesterday. He'll be like, no, that was three days ago. I'll be like, oh, oh, okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:25]:
It's called a stress release for a reason.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:26]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:27]:
Isn't it not?
Kevin Thompson [00:27:27]:
No, I get it.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:28]:
Right. Like, I think that there is something in the man, that it happens far more consistency, like consistently. Whereas in a woman it happens once a month. Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:37]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:38]:
And there's this idea that ovulation, if we're going to put out the word. Right. I think guys do that constantly, every single day.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:27:45]:
Not actually.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:45]:
And women.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:46]:
Wait till we have. Let's wait Till we have Dr. Barbara Wilson on the show.
Blaine Neufeld [00:27:50]:
I am the expert.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:51]:
Actually get the science here. Less a troll. Get on the Internet and go see. We're going to cancel Kevin Thompson because his podcast is giving out hacks psychology or science and stuff some way. But no, I, I, but men and.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:28:03]:
Women are different in their needs.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:04]:
Yeah, we know that when you all have Gary Chapman on, you can ask him how, how this is what this actually does. So. All right, let's make some suggestions for this couple because there really is some hope here. I, I, I love the potential that's within this couple because I think, I think I could see. I don't Know if it is, this could be really bad. And yet the fixes are not going to be that difficult. And. And notice this.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:27]:
Seriously. This is why learning your love style and lead style is so important. Specifically this idea of creating secure attachment. It is a game changer in so many ways. Available on Amazon. All right, so a couple of suggestions. One is they need to start learning to say, what's going on? What is it that you want? So instead of showing the hurt, say the want. That's what's going on.
Blaine Neufeld [00:28:52]:
Say the want like, well in advance of the. The thing when they start Valentine's Day or whatever.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:56]:
Well, when they start feeling, okay, this could hurt, then just put it out on the table. Here's what I want now. And even leading into Valentine's Day, no question, a second thing they need to learn is this idea of. It's the partnership. Are both parties making an effort here? All right, if we don't get it exactly right, that's okay. Because think about what it would look like if you have a spouse right now who you. You say, absolutely, they are fully putting in the effort. They just get it wrong a lot.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:26]:
Okay, I get that. We can work on that. But you know how hard it is to take somebody from no effort to effort. Be grateful that you have a spouse who is fully engaged in what's going on. And then we can begin to steer and redirect. So this sense of gratitude, of recognizing effort over accuracy, and then here's what she's going to hate. But I think this is right, and this is what all couples can do right now. We're just days away from Valentine's Day.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:52]:
Is define what a good Valentine's Day looks like for you.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:56]:
Can I do that right now and do it?
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:57]:
Yes.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:58]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:29:58]:
Please. That would be lovely.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:29:59]:
I. I would like flowers that are not orchids.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:02]:
Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:02]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:03]:
Do they have to be white?
Kevin Thompson [00:30:04]:
You know, I might send her an orchid on Valentine's Day. What?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:07]:
Just don't.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:08]:
Because it lives forever and she has a hard time throwing things out.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:11]:
Oh, yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:12]:
Oh, yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:12]:
That's another topic.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:13]:
And color of the flowers.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:14]:
The flowers, too? No, just. No bright colors. But they don't have to be all white.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:19]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:19]:
You know, I'm more into a pastely vibe right now.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:22]:
Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:23]:
And then that's good.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:25]:
Really? What do you need? We already know. Okay.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:28]:
Yeah, we do know.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:29]:
You need something else. Are there. Are there things that you would enjoy for a good Valentine's Day? Do you need a gift? Do you need a good dinner?
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:35]:
No.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:35]:
But I can also Go buy the flowers. You know, like, I don't care.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:38]:
Like, I think we both do this. No. Yeah. If you want to buy the flowers, go buy them.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:43]:
Oh, now we don't know. You buy them. You buy them.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:46]:
Is we're both like this.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:47]:
What if she bought them and you picked them up?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:49]:
Just go to Trader Joe's. They have a great deal.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:51]:
I'm gonna go and do that. I can do that. Guys.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:53]:
Okay.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:54]:
Is. We love to go on couples dates.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:30:57]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:30:57]:
Like, we. Trent, generally, we love hanging out with couples. Yeah. So I think that would both fill us up.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:05]:
Right?
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:06]:
Yeah.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:06]:
Yeah.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:07]:
Yes.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:07]:
And then obviously later in the evening, we talk.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:10]:
It's important to talk. Very good.
Blaine Neufeld [00:31:12]:
Love talking.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:12]:
Very good conversation.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:13]:
Love talking. Okay.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:14]:
So I think so many couples think. Here's her temptation. This person's temptation is if we talk about it, it won't be as meaningful. And this line of thought many times can carry over into a million different things. If we plan sex, it won't be as romantic.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:31:30]:
Yeah. Scheduling.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:32]:
But I just don't believe that's true. We plan Christmas. We talk about Christmas. We plan your birthday. We talk about your birthday. Why do we have to think that just because we put some thought behind it and have some conversation, this is going to make it worse? It's actually going to make it far better. And here's what will happen. If she will learn to tell him what she needs, then as we get down the road, it's possible he might begin to start anticipating those needs more often.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:02]:
If she just stands in this, you should just know if you love me. She's guaranteeing a future of him not knowing. So once again, her actions are creating the very outcome she wants to avoid.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:13]:
And it would also avoid disappointment. Because if she can express this, I'm sure she's a big dreamer. Right. Big feelers are big dreamers. So my perfect Valentine's is Hawaii on the beach. And he can say, listen, honey, here's the budget. This is what we have for Valentine's Day. Now go back and dream amongst this budget, because I will fulfill every bit of that.
Blaine Neufeld [00:32:35]:
If you can. If we can, but I don't want to also disappoint you and then have it be unattainable. Right. So I think there's a balance there.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:43]:
No doubt the tool they need to develop here is a shared vocabulary and vision that we understand together. Whenever we talk about this, this is what it's going to look like. And you know that if they will share a vocabulary and a vision, what.
Adrienne Neufeld [00:32:56]:
That will do change the odds.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:59]:
We'll see you next time.