Kevin Thompson [00:00:00]:
Hey, welcome back to Change the Odds, the podcast where marriage and family are never meant to be a game of chance. This is session four, a little miniseries we're doing on Love Styles. As we're looking at Love Styles is the simplest explanation of attachment theory from a Christian perspective. And so the heart of the book basically was written as some of our Christian counselors and I were having a conversation. They said, man, we want to do more with attachment theory, but we're having to spend so much time in session educating our clients first that sometimes it's not worth the process. And so the idea was, what if we wrote a little book that gave a background explanation so a counselor could hand this to their client, the client could look at it over a week, literally tons of charts and pictures and things like that. And then in the next session, they could really dive into the details of what's going on. So we've covered already.
Kevin Thompson [00:00:50]:
Go back and listen to. In the opening session, we talked about what is attachment theory, just gave a broad overview of what that looks like. Then we begin to look at what is secure attachment, the basic characteristics of what that looks like. Looked at 16 characteristics of what secure attachment actually looks like. In the end, ultimately, what we talked about with secure attachment is this is what mature love looks like for a follower of Jesus. This is ultimately what Jesus is and what we desire to be. And in the last episode, we looked at the three forms of non secure attachment. Same thing, it just expresses itself in different ways.
Kevin Thompson [00:01:28]:
Anxious, avoidant, and then disorganized. Now, the downside of something like the last session is people wouldn't hear that. They can go to changetheodds.com and they can take an assessment and they can see that, hey, on occasion I might have anxious attachment or avoidant or disorganized. And it can really begin to explain much of their background of what they've experienced in the past. It's not unusual whenever we do this in premarital class for a couple who's been married before and they're in their second marriage, they listen to attachment theory and they're like, oh my goodness, that's exactly why my first marriage went wrong. And if we're not very careful, it can become so overwhelming that people just feel stuck to some extent. But that's not the case. The beauty of attachment theory is this idea that we can change.
Kevin Thompson [00:02:15]:
It's the beauty of the gospel that transformation can take place, that yes, here are some problems and here are some non secure ways that we love and some unfortunate kind of Stories we've written in our minds that actually aren't true, and how we're trying to live in the present in a way that was formed in the past. That just doesn't work. But the good news is, we're not stuck. Yes, you might. I have a primarily anxious pathway in many of my relationships, but I don't have to stay there. Once I recognize it and realize what's going on, what's formed it and shaped it, I can begin to make new decisions. The story I tell a lot of times whenever I'm talking with couples or individuals, is my son and I often go to lunch on a Friday together, and there's a raising canes. And so we leave our house, we get on the interstate, we turn on Highway 65, then we take the very first exit, and.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:08]:
And you go back over toward the mall, and that's where raising canes is. So every single Friday, whenever we first moved to California, we were going and doing that. Well, the church that I work at has a campus that's just past that, a couple of exits. And so on occasion, I would preach there on a Sunday morning. And if I wasn't paying attention, when I was going to church on Sunday morning to go preach at that campus, if I wasn't paying attention, I would naturally turn off on that first exit in order to go to raising canes. Why? Because that was just the pattern in my head. That was the process that I'd gone through so much. And our brains have this capacity.
Kevin Thompson [00:03:45]:
It's always looking for efficiency. And so Siegel says, that which fires together, wires together. And so as you fire, as you trigger that pathway of, hey, you take the first exit to go here, your brain begins to do that to such an extent that you no longer have to think about it as much. And so even though I wasn't going to that raising cane store on a Sunday morning, I would end up going there just because that's the natural pathway that came used to me. And so what I would have to do is, on specific Sundays when I was going there on a Sunday, is remind myself, this is not my turn. Unconsciously, I'll go this way. I have to be very intentional now. And one of the things that we want to do with attachment theory is, is we want to take that which is unconscious and make it conscious so that we can make better decisions.
Kevin Thompson [00:04:35]:
And if we do that long enough, those better decisions will become new pathways, and that will become our unconscious response. It's not a problem for me anymore to do that. I preached it at campus enough that now whenever I'm driving, I kind of know where I'm going and I don't have to watch out. I've never made a wrong turn in the last couple of years because I was intentional for a while. I brought that which was unconscious into the conscious. I made better decisions and that's now become my unconscious response. That's the good news of what's going on here. So in this episode we want to talk about what psychologists call earned security.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:09]:
Others call it a learned security. Same thing. We can earn it. In other words, it didn't come naturally to us. Our family of origin. Secure attachment was not necessarily our primary pathway. So we're going to now earn that which we were not given. Or we're just going to learn.
Kevin Thompson [00:05:26]:
We're going to figure it out. We're going to understand what our patterns are and choose a new direction. So kind of page 191, if you're looking at the book following along, there's much more in the book than what I'm saying here. But this gives us a broad overview of what we're talking about. So 191. Earned secure attachment refers to the process by which someone who did not grow up with consistent emotional safety and connection learns over time to secure ways of relating so that which we didn't get in our childhood. We're now going to almost reparent ourselves to learn what the actual right process is in this moment. So then I talk about some core features.
Kevin Thompson [00:06:05]:
So what does earned secure attachment looks like? What it means is that the past informs you, but it doesn't own you. So without significant work, your past owns you. What we've said already, we love today the way we were loved yesterday. Then in the first few years of life, how we view love, how we understand love, how we view ourselves, others and God was primarily shaped. And if we don't do the work to consider that, to understand that, to see what influenced that, then those early perceptions will become so natural to us that that's just how we'll operate throughout all of life. But here's the dangerous thing. We won't recognize that we're doing that. It's just somebody said, I think it was Julie Mananna maybe who said that attachment theory explains your assumptions in relationships so that which you just assume is right.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:00]:
What you think everybody views life and love in this way. They don't. You view it uniquely your way because of how your needs were met early on in life. And. And it formed the narrative and the interpretive tool by which you view everything. And yet, whenever you begin to have an earned, a learned security now, the past can inform you. It can still influence what's going on, but it no longer owns you. So core features of what learned security earned security is the past informs you, but it doesn't own you.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:31]:
Second, you can pause before you react. One of the aspects of non secure attachment is it's reactive. Something happens and we just react. We're almost beyond our control. It's just a trigger that begins to happen. Something takes place and then we react. Secure attachment is the ability not to react, but to respond. Think about what the difference is.
Kevin Thompson [00:07:59]:
There reaction is without conscious thought. It's just a stimulus happens and our body reacts. A response now is an intentional kind of response to something that's taking place. We are consciously in control. A reaction is unconscious. A response is actually conscious. And so as you grow in secure attachment, you'll begin to learn, you actually pause a whole lot more. Why? Because you recognize you need a little bit of time before you can know what to say, before you know how to respond to this situation.
Kevin Thompson [00:08:32]:
You need a moment to bring into the conscious that which is kind of the subconscious. Number three, you get curious instead of critical. And this is true not only of yourself, but it's also true of others. So you just become really curious of you've heard the questions before. Who am I? And how did that become me? And so whenever something agitates me, whenever it bothers me, whenever it brings me joy, when I have no response to it whatsoever, I begin to ask myself, man, that's interesting. Why am I so calm when he says that and so agitated when another person says nearly the same thing? Why does one thing really bother me and the other thing not bother me at all? And I become very curious about how I'm responding, how I'm feeling, how outside agencies are impacting me. And then once I learn to become curious about myself, I can actually become curious about other people. And so instead of taking it personally in some way, instead of criticizing what somebody is doing, to begin to be intrigued and to say, what is it that's behind that? I wonder why they do that.
Kevin Thompson [00:09:44]:
And to recognize, I've often said everybody's actions are logical to them. Nobody's out there intentionally doing illogical things. Everybody's actions makes total sense to them. So the question becomes, what have they experienced? What have they seen? What is their past? What is their story that would make that response, that reaction, a logical one. And so instead of criticizing others, especially your spouse, you, your children, your parents, those relationships that are closest to you. This isn't excusing bad behavior. I'm not saying that at all. But it is becoming curious.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:21]:
This can transform parenting. Parenting. If we're not very careful. No is the word that we use the most. And we just go through life kind of criticizing our kids because we desperately want them to go the right way. And that's totally understandable. But whenever we become curious about them, I read an article the other day, it said whenever you have littles, if at night, if they ask for a snack, instead of just offering them food or saying no, offer them instead a chance to cuddle with you. Because oftentimes when a child, whenever they ask for food or drink at night, what they're actually looking for is comfort.
Kevin Thompson [00:10:57]:
So instead of giving them food or drink, give them the actual comfort that will supply their need and it will keep them from beginning to hook together. This idea of, of food as the outlet that begins to soothe my own soul. Well, you can't really do that unless you become curious about what are they asking for right now. I know what the surface level request is, but what is it that's actually going on below the table? It's a section that we're gonna skip here in this podcast episode, but it really is the chapter that's probably the most important chapter in the entire book. It's chapter four in which we look at how do anxious and voidant and relationships with. What does that look like? And the reason we choose specifically anxious and avoidant in relationship is because it's a very fast way to give an overview of non secure attachment in very practical ways. And it's not very uncommon. If I begin to act in an anxious way for that to trigger somebody else to act in a more avoidant way.
Kevin Thompson [00:11:55]:
And we use that in that chapter. We talk about this table illustration of what's going on above the table and then what's going on below the table to recognize there's more to the story than what we see. What would happen if we would become curious about that? Number four, you take the risk to be real. So a downside of non secure attachment is we're avoiding vulnerabilities in different ways and we're not bringing the fullness of our hearts out on the table. So somebody with a primarily anxious attachment might be holding back their opinions, afraid of being too much. They don't want to come across as too much. So the fullness of who they are is not experienced. Somebody with avoidant attachment, they might hold back part of themselves because they don't want to reveal who they are to somebody else.
Kevin Thompson [00:12:44]:
Secure attachment now has the courage to be real. And as we grow in secure attachment, we're going to begin to take the risk to be real. Number five, you can settle yourself and be settled by others. So in secure attachment, I can both understand that others can assist me in calming me and seeing me and knowing me and helping me experience peace. At the same time, I can have tools to where I'm not solely dependent upon others and I can learn to calm myself. So somebody with an anxious attachment tends to think that they have to have somebody else to calm them. Somebody with an avoidant attachment tends to think I should be able to do this on my own. Somebody with a secure attachment recognizes I can do this, I can lean on others to do this.
Kevin Thompson [00:13:35]:
So they have both tools now to settle themselves and be settled by others. And then number six, these are now kind of six core features of earned secure attachment. Number six is you know how to repair after conflict. So non secure attachment does not repair well. And we all experience what Siegel calls rupture and repair. We all experience ruptures in relationship. As we grow in secure attachment, we can learn how to repair those better. So those are six core features of earned secure attachment.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:09]:
The past informs you but doesn't own you. Number two, you pause before you react. Number number three, you get curious instead of critical. Number four, you take the risk to be real. Number five, you can settle yourself and be settled by others. And number six, you know how to repair a conflict. These are all characteristics of what that looks like. So the question becomes, how do we get those? That's what I want to have, that's what I want to experience.
Kevin Thompson [00:14:35]:
I never have to convince anybody that they want secure attachment. Whatever you just describe it. You, you go back and look at the 16 characteristics of secure attachment. We all know that we want that secure attachment. The question is, how do we get it? Well, here's a basic process. Some things that we can do to experience secure attachment. One thing that we can do is we can grow in self awareness. So what you want to do is begin to recognize your patterns.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:01]:
You know, if something happens one time, it's not that big of a deal. Two times. Okay, three times. Well, now I'm wondering. I often will have this conversation. Let's say there's somebody who wants to be married, who isn't. And so I'll begin to ask about their past relationships and any single relationship within that might show very little, but one Thing I'm looking for is, is there a pattern? Do you never go out with anybody? Okay, that's a pattern. What is it that's preventing you from experiencing that? From being asked out, from asking somebody else out? Okay, have you had a few relationships? One thing that many people will never understand about themselves until they say it out loud is when I begin to ask, okay, let's say they say they've had three relationships.
Kevin Thompson [00:15:43]:
They'll just say, well, how long did that first one last? They'll say, well, you know, we dated four or five months and then it broke off. Okay, well what about the second one? Well, the second one, let's see, we went out here and there and you know, it's about six months. Okay, what about the third one? Well, we dated for a short period of time, maybe about five months. And they haven't recognized that, that they just had three relationships of about the same length. What does that mean? Is it possible that what's happening is as they get in a relationship with somebody, as they get to a stage where it requires the next level of vulnerability, they're actually not willing to go there, or they begin to see in other people things that they don't want as a way to protect their own heart? They don't see the pattern. But from an outsider looking in, you just have them describe it, then you can see what's going on. You need to begin to learn to recognize your patterns and to put friends and relationships in your life. Secure people around you who can begin to point out, hey, have you ever noticed, you ever noticed in that meeting that when things get kind of tense, you shut down? Have you ever noticed that when we're having a conversation and I begin to maybe get emotional or a little bit vulnerable, you make a joke.
Kevin Thompson [00:16:54]:
Is it possible that you actually aren't comfortable with the vulnerability of other people? Is it possible that you're not comfortable with conflict? Okay, what's the pattern that's there? And as you begin to recognize the pattern that is taking place, that begins to expose some of these non secure pathways that then empowers you to make a different choice. And so the pattern, to go back to the analogy earlier about lunch, the, the pattern is you keep on turning me off at the first exit, but that's not always the exit you want to take. So how can we make a different choice now? So some questions you can ask yourself. What do I feel when someone gets emotionally close? What's the feeling that you have in those moments? How do I typically react when I feel Hurt or unseen, what does safety look like in a relationship to me? And as you begin to look and ask those questions, you begin to see patterns in your life and you can just compare. Take the charts within the book and begin to say, is how I respond here? Does it align with secure attachment? And if it doesn't, then what's the consequences of that and how can I start responding in a more secure way? So one of the ways that we can develop an earned security is to now grow and to recognize a self awareness. We, we're going to recognize what our patterns are. Another thing that we can do is we're going to try to grow our window of tolerance. We've talked on this podcast at Change the Odds before about the window of tolerance.
Kevin Thompson [00:18:22]:
As a matter of fact, I think it's one of our most watched episodes of all time. So you can go back and listen to that episode on the Window of Tolerance, but remember just basically what the window of tolerance is that we all, if you're watching on YouTube, you can kind of see me using my hands here. But you imagine a window that when that window is open, air flows freely back and forth between both sides. And yet it can be really narrow, it can be shot first of all, or it can be really wide open. And what we want is, we want a really wide window of tolerance. And what that means is when we're in our window of tolerance, we're bringing the right amount of energy to the situation, so there's enough energy to engage, to process, to be involved. And yet there's not too much energy that's going to overwhelm somebody else or cause them to shut down. And relationships require energy.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:11]:
Too little and we can't connect too much and we're going to turn other people away. And so the window of tolerance says that you can miss that window. You can be outside of that feeling of an appropriate amount of energy. You can have too much energy, that's hyper arousal, you bringing too much. And so you're yelling, you're screaming, you're just emotionally agitated, you can't process, your heart rate is elevated, your body now is agitated, there's just too much going on. That's hyper arousal. Or you can bring too much energy, not have enough energy, that's hypoarousal. This is emotional shutdown.
Kevin Thompson [00:19:51]:
This is the conflict is happening and you can't take it. So you either physically leave or you just emotionally become blank in every way. And all of us can be outside of our window of tolerance in one way or the Other, but most of us probably have a tendency or a pattern in which we tend to be either hyper aroused, we become too heightened or hypo, we shut down. And so to begin to recognize when you do that, how you do that. Remember on the podcast, if you go back and listen, Blaine and Adrian, we, we were explaining it to them and this actually became language within their own family and relationship. It's something we use language in our place as well, that, hey, I'm outside my window of tolerance, or they're outside their window of tolerance. Let's take a break in this moment and then we can come back and kind of reestablish what's actually going on. Another thing that you can do to begin to work on now, this idea of how to grow in the midst of secure attachment is to really begin to practice vulnerability, to be extremely intentional now.
Kevin Thompson [00:20:58]:
And what it's going to require of us is what would it look like to speak from our heart rather than to speak from our wounds? What does it mean now? So often what happens is whenever we're reactive, we're speaking from our hurt. There's some pain that's back there. People don't know it. We oftentimes don't know it. It's what's going on underneath the table and we just react from that hurt. What would it look like if we paused and instead actually spoke from our heart to respond to what is going on by. By saying, here, here's what I actually feel. So.
Kevin Thompson [00:21:36]:
So think about, think about what this would look like. So instead of saying, you never listen to me, that's speaking from your hurt. What would it be like to say, I feel alone and afraid that I don't matter. That's speaking from your heart. To speak from your hurt would be whatever. I just forgot. It's not a big deal. To speak from your heart, Hey, I want to talk about this, but I'm afraid I'll be misunderstood.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:06]:
To speak from your hurt, you might say, why do I always have to ask for help? But to speak from your heart, it would mean a lot to me if you noticed what I needed and offered to help without me asking. Notice the shift that is there. Whenever we speak from our hurt, we tend to speak in an attacking way. That's putting somebody else on the defense because we're trying to protect ourselves. But whenever we speak from our heart, what we're doing is we're laying our heart out on the table. We're being vulnerable. Not in a way that attacks somebody else, but a way that truly does communicate who we are, what we think and what we feel in the moment. That then gives the other person an opportunity to make a choice of how they want to respond to it.
Kevin Thompson [00:22:53]:
It's not pushing them away with an arrow, but at the same time, it's not so diminishing or downplaying what's going on to where we're not fully showing up. Instead, we're inviting somebody else to put their heart out on the table in the same way that we've already put our heart out on the table as well. So one of the ways that we develop now a secure attachment is we practice this vulnerability on a regular basis. Begin to recognize within your own life how often you speak from your hurt, from your wounds, and not your actual heart. Another thing that we do is that we nourish safe relationships that can reinforce the new patterns. So here's the truth. You cannot learn secure attachment in isolation. Attachment is about relationships.
Kevin Thompson [00:23:45]:
You can't learn it on your own. Now, you can study it, you can read a book, no question. But you can't actually impact and effect change in your life without somebody else assisting you and helping you. And so one of the ways that we learn this is by understanding and recognizing the relationships that we have around us that are safe. Maybe people who already have a secure attachment that are modeling for us what that looks like, or others who equally want to pursue after this. And then we begin to journey together to grow in this area. This is one of the great beautiful things I think about marriage. I say in love styles that whenever it comes to marriage, so often what God does is God pours his love through somebody else in a way that begins to change us.
Kevin Thompson [00:24:35]:
And so when a marriage is healthy, when somebody with a secure attachment marries somebody with a non secure attachment, but they create a healthy relationship, the person with a non secure attachment actually becomes secure. And so love has this ability to change us, to impact us. Now, unfortunately for some of us, maybe we're married to somebody with a non secure attachment, we have a non secure attachment, and the relationship isn't strong enough at this moment, it's not healthy enough at this moment to really transform us in a positive way. And while ideally we'd be able to lean on our spouse to grow together in this, maybe we can't. But what's a healthy friendship, somebody of the same sex that could help us, assist us in this area. This is where a counselor can come in, a pastor can come in to begin to be, be that kind of secure base that can assist us but here's the truth. We cannot do this on our own. This is why studying love styles in a small group setting could be a powerful thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:25:34]:
Because you can begin to encourage one another and hold each other accountable and to call out how people are growing in the midst of their relationships and growing in this sense of a more secure attachment. And it's only in relationships that we can actually learn how to do this. And why is that? Why does it happen in that way? Because here's the truth. When we have a secure attachment, then our emotions are met with a respectful curiosity instead of shame. Conflict now happens, but it results in repair. Instead of silence or disconnection, there suddenly becomes a freedom that you can, without fear or rejection, begin to be honest, which actually assists you to begin to be introspective, to learn more about what's going on within your own heart and mind. And as you become more aware of emotions, you can communicate them more safely. And as you communicate them more safely, you can actually become more aware of them.
Kevin Thompson [00:26:35]:
And so who can be this person for you? It can be a secure spouse, a wise therapist, a faithful friend, a healthy spiritual mentor or guide can begin to assist you in understanding what this actually looks like. So think about, think about what these things do. What does self awareness and the window of tolerance and practicing vulnerability and safe relationships do? Here's what it does. Self awareness will help you begin to recognize your pattern so that you can respond instead of react. The window of tolerance will begin to train you to to stay calm in the midst of hard moments so that you don't blow up or shut down. Practicing vulnerability can assist you to name what's true instead of hiding behind the defenses of non secure approach. And this actually makes connection now possible again. And then safe relationships can begin to rewire your brain through a consistent love, which then allows you now to begin to trust and to where that trust ultimately becomes your new normal.
Kevin Thompson [00:27:42]:
And so the truth of the matter is we can't learn secure attachment on our own. We need others. Romantic relationships can be a powerful force that can create a secure attachment within us. On one hand, they can be the most difficult relationship because no relationship triggers attachment behavior more than our most intimate relationships. But. But those connections can also provide the climate and the conditions to grow into more earned security. And so the greatest wounds in our lives were often caused when people who were supposed to love us and didn't remember. This isn't a critique of our parents.
Kevin Thompson [00:28:19]:
It's not necessarily a failure of who they are as people. It's Just that life got in the way. And so our greatest wounds in life were often caused by people who are supposed to love us and didn't. And yet God most often heals us as he pours his love through somebody who didn't have to love us and yet chooses to do so. And so specifically, if you're married and you want to have this type of relationship and there's the potential that's there, then here's what it begins to look like that a secure relationship. Now, what I'm offering to Jenny and what Jenny clearly is offering to me is that Jenny is both a safe base and a safe haven. So she's a safe base in that she provides stability. She allows me to launch out from us and to grow and to express my individuality.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:12]:
And at the same time she's a safe haven. So she's a place I can return to for comfort and reassurance and emotional shelter. That's what Jenny provides for me and I hope that's what I'm providing for her. And in a secure attachment that's what you can provide for each other. So imagine what it would be like to have your spouse say these things to you or for you to be able to say these things to your spouse as you're, as you're growing to be able to say, man, I love seeing you do something that brings you life. I'm grateful that you have great friends. You're safe here, you don't have to hold it all together with me. Hey, take the space you need.
Kevin Thompson [00:29:54]:
I'm not going anywhere. Security comes not from a perfect connection but from knowing that I can come back and you're still going to be here. That's what we want to provide for each other. But we also want to stay present during activation that to recognize, hey, somebody with a non secure approach. And we all have some non secure approaches that they're going to be triggered at times and when they are, we are not going to allow their non secure trigger in that moment to tempt us to a more non secure pathway. So what often will happen is we can have a great relationship and something triggers me in a more anxious response. Well, if I respond in an anxious way, if Jenny isn't very careful, that can drive her to be more avoidant, to try to kind of balance me out. But here's the thing.
Kevin Thompson [00:30:49]:
One non secure approach to another non secure approach does not lead to security. Non secure plus non secure doesn't lead to security. Anxious plus avoidant doesn't lead to security. It doesn't work that way. Instead, all those non secure approaches are just different expressions of the exact same thing. And so what you want to learn to provide for your spouse and hopefully your spouse can provide for you as well, is how do I stay present even when I'm activated or when they're activated? And so I want to learn to regulate myself. I want to avoid personalizing their dysregulation. So even if they might say something that's hurtful, I'm going to try to remind myself, hey, they're dysregulated at this moment.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:31]:
That's not going to define who I am. I'm going to try to use gentle words to remind them that they're not alone. Hey, I can tell you're hurting. I want to understand. We don't have to solve this right now. I just want to stay close to you. Hey, let's take a break and try again when we're both calmer. All these things are helpful now to create a more secure attachment.
Kevin Thompson [00:31:54]:
Another thing that we can do is to begin to name the pattern but not the person. So if you're not very careful, whatever you first learned about secure attachment and attachment theory is that you can start calling this out in other people and it's okay if you have a good relationship with them to name the pattern to say, hey, that's kind of an anxious approach. But don't name the person. This is kind of the downfall of many of the attachment books that are out there is they're becoming very popular and that's great. People are learning and growing. But, but then you'll hear somebody say, oh, I'm just anxiously attached or I'm avoidantly attached. No, no, you as a person are none of those things. Anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure.
Kevin Thompson [00:32:37]:
That does not define people, it defines relationships. And so you never want to name you, you never want to label yourself or another person because that can then become a self fulfilling prophecy. If I see myself as I am an anxiously attached person, that's who, who I am at all times, I'll actually begin to act out in that way. I'll excuse whenever I choose those pathways. I won't try to do the work to become securely attached and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. And so we want to name the pattern, we don't want to actually name the person. And then one thing that I would do as a couple or whatever relationship you're working on love styles with is celebrate all progress and don't expect perfection. It's the little steps of growth that we wanna begin to see.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:24]:
Hey, in the past, in this moment I would have lost my mind but notice I lost my mind but midway through I recognized it. That's growth. That's growth. Feeling repentance at the end and being able to name oh my goodness, I got outside my window of tolerance. I now see what I did. I'm so sorry that happened. That's growth. Celebrate that as a couple.
Kevin Thompson [00:33:45]:
Don't think that you can read the book. You can listen to the podcast. All right, now you have all this knowledge of what it looks like and now I expect perfection from me. None of us stay in our window of tolerance at all times. None of us respond in a secure way at all times. Take the most secure person you can imagine and at times they will still respond to non secure pathways. So don't expect perfection from yourself or from others. Instead just do everything you can to begin to grow in this area and to celebrate all the times that that happens.
Kevin Thompson [00:34:16]:
And let's look at just close out this episode by by seeing what are some of the signs of secure attachment? If you're growing in secure attachment, here are some of the relational signs. You can stay emotionally present during conflict without shutting down or exploding. You can express needs calmly and directly without guilt or manipulation. You can feel comfortable being alone, but also enjoy closeness without the fear of losing yourself. You and your spouse can repair conflicts more quickly and with less damage. You can tolerate temporary disconnection without spiraling into panic or withdrawal. Those are relational signs. Here are some emotional signs.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:05]:
You feel more curious than defensive when your spouse is upset. You don't take everything personally. You recognize that your feelings are valid but not always accurate. You experience a greater sense of internal calm even during disengagement. You feel more confident in your worth even when things are messy. And all of these have a spiritual component as well. When you're growing into a secure attachment, the spiritual signs that are there or you no longer view yourself through the lens of your past pain, it doesn't define you anymore. You trust that you are loved even when you're not performing.
Kevin Thompson [00:35:50]:
You feel more capable of giving grace and receiving it. You don't fear vulnerability as weakness. You begin to see it as strength. And as these things begin to define you now there's this beauty of this secure attachment that you can have not only as an individual, but also as a couple. So here's just some characteristics of couples who are moving towards secure attachment. Here's what they can get. Here's what truly reading love styles and putting into practice in your marriage will result in a shared language for emotional safety. A quicker recovery from conflict, more space for individuality without any fear of abandonment.
Kevin Thompson [00:36:36]:
A deeper joy in connection that doesn't require control. A relationship that becomes a place of refuge, not of tension. That's what God desires and offers to all of us. And yet it doesn't come naturally to us. Because we're fallen people that live in a fallen world. And yet whenever we recognize how our past has impacted us, we then take control of that. And no longer are we enslaved by our past, but instead we become the very architects of our future, of how we're going to love, who we're going to be and the relationships we're going to have. It doesn't matter what your background, it doesn't matter what your primary non secure attachment style is at this moment.
Kevin Thompson [00:37:21]:
You have the choice and the option to grow, to. To earn, to learn security. Do that and it will change the odds for every relationship you have. We'll see you next time.